Life is Messy

I don't always get what I want; God always takes me places where I need to go.  The things I want (naturally) are not good for me; the things God knows I need bring life & growth.  I want EASY, but with wonderful results.  I've got to do HARD to actually get stronger and more healthy, physically, relationally, emotionally, spiritually.


I really enjoy the show The Biggest Loser.  I wish I could say that I walk on the treadmill while I watch, but I don't.  I'm more likely to enjoy a fine glass of milk with cookies while watching the contestants bust their fannies. The show, however, gives me hope, encouragement & inspiration (and a good kick in the pants occasionally).  If an out-of-shape 350 pound woman can courageously push herself to work out for 4-5 hours, why can't I do 45 minutes without complaining?  I love the feeling after I've worked out; I often have trouble motivating myself to do it.


Until now.


I'm living in a messy life right now.  In the past 4 months, my world has turned upside down.  

• My precious sister lost her beloved husband in a tragic accident, leaving her a widow with 2 small boys to raise without their daddy.  
• About 4 weeks later, my brother's family experienced difficult challenges following a family member's stroke.  
• My mother-in-law has been officially diagnosed with Stage 1, Parkinson's disease.
• I've changed jobs twice in 3 months: from a 6-year tenure in children's ministries, to an all-too-short stint with a foundation involved in orphan care & advocacy, to an unexpected new position caring for and managing the affairs of my in-laws.  
• And last night, I got a call that my dad was in the hospital for some tests after passing out.  He's a past heart patient.  Preliminary tests are good, but we wait for more news.

OH, and we're adopting the most amazing little man in China....after a 15 year gap raising a toddler...as mid-forty-somethings...and one of us packed on 20 pounds this winter: carb-loading & sleep deprived while rocking babies non-stop for 6 months.  


I think it's an octopus who is dropping shoes in my world.


I'm tired.


But, just as sitting on the couch savoring cookies and milk will not make me strong, healthy and able to handle physical challenges, taking the easy road, having no strife, no mess, no craziness may make me relationally, spiritually, emotionally weak and out of breath when the hard stuff comes (and it DOES come).


I love that God is with the crazy,
the messy,
the hard.


Last week, I posted on my Facebook that I felt "worn down, like a piece of glass".  It's a phrase from "Give Me the Meltdown" by one of my favorites artists, Rob Thomas, off his amazing Cradlesong CD.  (side note: it's a tribute album to his wife in their journey living with her auto-immune disease.)  When I wrote those phrases, they simply captured what I was feeling, but God used one of my friends to encourage me in her response:

"Sea glass... Tumbled trash then comes on shore as beautiful treasure."

I imagine that she had no idea how God would use those words to encourage me in the messiness (thank you, Jamie!!)  Without the tumbling, sandy grit, turbulent water and mess of the ocean, we would simply find sharp, possibly harmful pieces of trash littering the shoreline instead of beautiful, smooth, pieces of glass that are then often woven into captivating artwork.  So, I'm trying to accept the messy, turbulent, gritty journey I'm in right now and waiting for the day that God takes my smoothed out, worn down, shiny story & places it alongside others smoothed out, worn down, shiny stories into a beautiful, translucent piece of art that allows His glory and light to be revealed.

Sea Glass Art

Scottish Fishermans Museum by dumbledad

"One of the most unique and beautiful souvenirs you can find along any seaside or lakeside beach are bits of sea glass polished and cured by the waves....Their beauty lies in their colors, especially when light is shown through them and because of that, some collectors will eventually turn this debris into some truly astounding art."  (from http://www.odysseyseaglass.com)

In the "tumbler", I'm comforted by these words:

All my longings lie open before you, Lord; 

my sighing is not hidden from you.

Psalm 38:9

And, from the 2nd chapter of Jonah:

 You hurled me into the depths, into the very heart of the seas,
   and the currents swirled about me;
all your waves and breakers swept over me.
I said, ‘I have been banished from your sight;
yet I will look again toward your holy temple.’
The engulfing waters threatened me,
   the deep surrounded me;
   seaweed was wrapped around my head.
To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
   the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you, LORD my God, 

brought my life up from the pit.

My Father is Lord of the ocean.

I'm not alone in the gritty turbulence.

Hallelujah.

In honor of my son, and other sons & daughters

Natural child: any child who is not artificial. 

Real parent: any parent who is not imaginary. 

Your own child: any child who is not someone else’s child. 

Adopted child: a natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own!

To celebrate Adoption/Orphan Awareness Month, I thought I'd share a few resources that celebrate positive adoption language.  I'm sure this is redundant for many of you who are in the adoption community, but I thought these were helpful to bring a sweet light on the beauty of building our families in this way, and to dispell some of the old ways of thinking that this is somehow a "plan B" at best.  Disclaimer:  I really think that we all can go overboard on the whole politically correct thinking/language issue and that most of the time, people do not mean the insensitive, hurtful things they unwittingly say, whether it's about adoption, ethnicity, social or economic status, or whatever.  I think it's important to have some degree of thick skin, a ton of grace & meaningful education in all things.  Life's too short to split hairs, but words can truly wound and reveal the heart of one's attitude.  I'm more concerned about our heart toward adopted children rather than the actual words we use, but this is good food for thought.

"First introduced by Minneapolis social worker Marietta Spencer more than 20 years ago, positive adoption language is crafted to give the maximum respect, dignity, responsibility, and objectivity about the decisions made by both birthparents and adoptive parents in discussing the family planning decisions they have made for children who have been adopted. By using positive adoption language, we help abolish the old stereotype that adoption is second best – a dirty little secret that everyone knows about. 

If you stop and really think about what you’re saying, positive adoption language is just common sense. For example, take terms such as real parent, real mother, real father, real family – these terms imply that an adopted child is not a real part of the family. By using phrases like this, you are invalidating both the child being a “real” part of the family and the “realness” of the family itself. 

Through the use of positive adoption language, we educate others about adoption. By consistently speaking (and writing) in positive adoption language, someday this language will become commonplace – and the old hurtful terms will only serve to expose those who choose to be mean and small-minded. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption, like birth, is just another way to build a family. Both are important, but one is not necessarily better than the other."  [Excerpted from "International Adoption Guidebook," Mary M. Strickert © 2004] 

Here are a couple more links to read or share:

http://international.adoption.com/foreign/adoption-language-2.html

http://www.holtinternational.org/adoption/language.shtml

http://www.ppl.org/adoptlan.html

Happy Adoption/Orphan Awareness Month!!  We're thankful to have a new reason to celebrate this year. :)

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.  John 14:18

Is Love Enough? Depends...

A must read blog entry.  As my pastor would say, this is a "cookies on the bottom shelf" kind of post.  Honest, real, accessible, hopeful.


Here's the first paragraph.

Adopting in response to your faith, answering "the call of adoption," means nothing if you don't adopt to love a child. Yes, y'all, it really IS that simple. Don't adopt to save a child. Nor to rescue a child. And definitely don't do it just to prove or grow your faith. Or to join the "in crowd." If you aren't adopting to love a child, then STOP. Don't adopt. You won't gain anything. Neither will the child. The end.

Read the rest here.  So worth it:

http://ourlittletongginator.blogspot.com/2010/05/love-and-adoption.html

We Know Better

I found this on another blog today and thought I'd share.  The whole blog entry is worth reading as well; this is just a part.  

"What is happening to orphans right now as I write?

They are hungry.
They are eating trash.
They are chased away from the trash.
They are naked.
They are exhausted from running scared all the time.
They are tied up.
They live without shelter.
They live in fear of being abducted.
They live in fear of being eaten by wild animals.
They are raped.
They are prostituted.
They are beaten---in unimaginable ways.
They witness their friends being sold.
They live in fear being sold themselves.
They are forced to lie.
They steal out of necessity.
They are burned.
They are bruised.

Sometimes they wish they were never born.
They feel invisible.
They wonder why God doesn't like them.

They are crying out to the Lord because of their oppressor. Isaiah 19:20 

...And in a world where one third of the population claims to be Christian--- there needs to be no one left behind.   We know better."

Don’t excuse yourself by saying, “Look, we didn’t know.
For God understands all hearts, and he sees you.

   He who guards your soul knows you knew.

      He will repay all people as their actions deserve.

Proverbs 24:12

Random fun

I've resisted buying anything for our little guy until last week. For those of you donating, just want you to know that I was very frugal. These were both on clearance sales (for a whopping total of $1.98) and not really necessary right now, but I couldn't pass them up for what they represent to me of our next, exciting adventure with this precious treasure from God.  Plus, in the middle of the crazy, exhausting paperchase, I needed to celebrate!!

For your enjoyment, my big purchases:

               Toddler size swim trunks & blunt preschool scissors.
               Makes me smile that we're gonna need both.

THANK YOU and a little Adoption 101...

We are simply overwhelmed at God's provision!  Through many of you, we have met our first fundraising goal and begun working on the next one.  We have enough to finish our homestudy, pay our 1st installment at the adoption agency, file for US Immigration approval and apply for passports.  This is such welcome and wonderful blessing because things can keep moving forward.

There are pieces we simply have to wait on, no matter how hard we try to finish our objectives quickly.  Immigration approval, for example, takes about 8 weeks, whether you wish hard for it to go faster or not.  We have to have US Immigration Approval to complete our dossier (a packet of official documents that we send to China to tell them ALL about us.) There are so many steps toward making sure everything is correct, authentic, etc.  Suffice it to say, we run around crazy-like compiling and gathering a bunch of paperwork.  If we do it right (ha!), we will have all the other pieces in place ready to slap that Immigration approval (I-797) with them & send the whole kit and kaboodle off to Washington DC for the State Department & Chinese Embassy to certify.  Don't know how long that takes, but it's a hurry up and wait our turn. 

Then the dossier is off to our agency for final, fine-tooth-combed, review before it all gets sent to THE People's Republic of China.  Our somewhat realistic goal is to have our DTC (dossier to China) by mid-January (my dream goal is mid-December!!  Can't help it. I'm a glass half-full kinda girl!)  After we have a log in date (LID) in China, we will wait 2 (yea!!) to 6 (bleh...) months to be officially accepted, travel & get our SON!!  Again, lots just simply depends on who has our file at any given time, and how quickly they move on it.  We're praying for quick turn arounds, but we know many families who are praying the same way.  I know I'm God's favorite, but He's got to be fair, you know. ;)  (BTW, in case you didn't know, you are also God's favorite!!  Not sure how that happens, but it's just one of those divine mysteries I'm so thankful for!!) 

This journey is (littered? cluttered? polluted? filled?) with so many random expenses.  Like lab work and physicals, Express Mail for this, Priority Mail return envelopes for that, fees for this official piece of paper, filing fees here and there, notary fees for EACH AND EVERY document.  County certification, State certification, Embassy certification...  AAHHHHH!!!  I'm getting so used to notarizing everything that I nearly had my grocery list stamped by the Notary Public last week!  Whoa, Nelly....

So, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for helping us keep things moving with your generous & loving donations.  Our travel to China cannot happen soon enough.  Every day that passes, our son becomes more & more a part of our hearts, our thoughts, our dreams.  It's becoming so real to me that I have a child waiting for me that, at times, I can't breathe. I ALWAYS look at the clock and wonder what he's doing (probably sleeping, since he's 13 hours ahead!!) and who is watching over him.  

We are going to send a care package to him in a few weeks with pictures of us and our home, a blanket & some other items suggested by our agency.  I hope that someone will show him our pictures regularly so he KNOWS he has a family just dying to get him home.  I read another adoption blog last week where the family had sent pictures ahead.  Their little guy started pointing at them the moment he was brought into the room to meet them for the first time!!  Oh, Lord, let it be that way for us.  That is SO not the typical way it happens (there's usually lots of crying, wailing & gnashing of teeth OR quiet observation & resignation), but it would be BEYOND amazing if he had even some slight recognition of us!!

So, when you think about it, please pray for favor and quick work on the government's side of things in ALL adoptions.  BTW, would you please pray for our dear friends who are desperately waiting on permission to go to Russia and bring home their little girl?  They've waited far too long for her, and the Russian system has all but stopped pending more government intervention.  So many babies & families waiting to be united forever trapped by bureaucracy.

With grateful & FULL & longing hearts,

Fundraising, Body Mass Index, Financial Statements and other forms of public humiliation

If you read the backstory on why this blog is called Random Clarity, you know that insight, illumination, wisdom, whatever you want to call it, comes to me in weird pieces.  Perhaps all of us are like that or maybe yours comes more logically, but I'm enjoying the random glimpses behind the scenes that God allows me from time to time.  Most of the time, I really don't get a very satisfactory answer to the "why" behind the "what the heck is going on??", but I get grace to live with the questions.....and a healthy reminder that it's not all about ME.  Ouch, and Thank GOD!

We didn't choose an international adoption, but we believe that God chose it for our family.  There are lots of crazy pieces to this puzzle that are - frankly - embarrassing, humbling, uncomfortable, and (thankfully), amusing.  China has pretty strict requirements on Body Mass Index.  As if going to the doctor and stepping on the scales after rocking babies all winter long wasn't embarrassing enough.  Now, a foreign government is shining a flashlight on the pounds that crept on while I was sleep deprived & carb-loading & loving on our babies.  Ugh....at least I had fun doing it!!

Lab testing:  it's kind of amusing to hear the questions asked when my kids have to get HIV & Hep B tests and the uncommon answers.  Yes, we all still live at home.  Yes, I'm 18 (or 20) years old.  No, I'm not AT ALL at risk for an STD (yes, that's what that means!)  Surprised looks from the medical staff....

Ever hear of the Great Recession of 2008-2010 (and counting)?? Well, we did, and that's the time period all our financial documents are compiled from.  Downsizing, job-hunting, patching together part-time jobs.  I'm GLAD I'm not a fly on the wall when the adoption professionals review our paperwork.  One of the miracles of this adoption is that we were even approved to move forward.  God works in mysterious ways, His wonders to behold!!

Ahh.....fundraising.  Remember my quote from an earlier post?  "Nothing kills pride more than having to ask for money?"  Well, the humbling just BEGINS with the initial asking.  It continues powerfully when you receive an early donation from a family on their OWN, very expensive adoption journey...or one from a young family that is struggling to make ends meet because of job instability...or a friend who doesn't even let you finish telling the sweet story before she whips out her checkbook...or a 9-year-old who cracked open her piggy bank to help bring this little guy home.  The most unlikely & unexpected candidates give and give and give, and you stand there, helpless & dependent, receiving the blessings from a gracious God and obedient, ordinary heroes.

It's so hard...

And SO GOOD.

Baby steps closer to our baby with the help of community.  Ahhhh.....I like it.